27 new things

one of my favorite blogs is yes and yes, written by sarah von bargen.  each year, sarah writes a list of new things to try before her next birthday.  i recently turned 26, and was inspired by her to write my own “27 before 27” list.  some things are exciting, some are low key, some are unabashedly lifted straight from sarah’s list (i really want to make pickles!).  i wrote this list a few weeks ago, so some are already in progress.  here’s the list, and the status of those that i’ve already done or started on:

1. take a belly dance class

2. make an ice cream cake

3. try stand-up paddling

4. go to montauk

5. ride a bike in new york city

6. learn to hit a golf ball

7. wear red lipstick (in public!)

8. have mom teach me cross-stitch

9. paint something to hang in my home

10. grow something i can eat - in progress

• look at my precious tiny baby tomatoes!  these are on my cherry tomato plant.  i also have bell peppers and roma tomatoes growing.

11. attend a community board meeting for my district

12. learn how to mix an awesome signature cocktail

13. take a cooking class

14. watch at least one lord of the rings movie

15. get a promotion

16. make pickles

17. take a hot yoga class

18. propose - DONE!

• on june 1, daniel and i proposed to each other in fort greene park.  i said yes (typical), he said yes, i cried one million tears, and then we went out for brunch and ate amazing thick cut bacon.  it was perfect. proposing to each other was something that was important to us, as the decision to get married was a mutual decision following plenty of open and honest conversations about what marriage meant to us. we were inspired by traditional scandanavian engagements, in which the couple exchanges simple gold rings as a symbol of their mutual decision to be married. doing it this way fit our style much better than the usual american tradition. it makes for an interesting conversation when people exclaim "let me see your ring!", expecting a diamond, and i instead show my ring, explain that dan has one too, and describe the way we altered the traditional gendered engagement practice to something that felt more "us".

19. eat an italian meal on arthur ave in the bronx

20. bake sourdough bread from my own starter

21. eat properly cooked lamb

22. go to a museum i haven’t been to before

23. go to a lecture

24. take a vacation with daniel

25. see the new york philharmonic orchestra

26. make cheese

27. read: of mice and men, 1984, pride & prejudice, and catcher in the rye - in progress

• somehow, i made it through about a billion years of school without ever reading a lot of the classics. i chose these four for this year, but i know there are several more essentials to read down the line. right now i’m almost through catcher in the rye.  i'm enjoying it, but i'm grateful it's almost done because i don't know how much more of holden i could take.

i am a dancer.

i remember the first time i was recognized as a dancer. i was eleven years old, at a teachers’ conference with my 5th grade teacher, helping her make a presentation about learning styles. we got to the Q&A portion, and the first woman to pose a question said to me, “you’re a dancer, aren’t you? i can tell by the way you stand.” i blushed, and thanked her, and had never been more proud.

a few weeks ago, i was working at the restaurant where i was a hostess when a woman at a table nearby waved me over. “we’re just wondering - what do you do besides work here?” i gave the nutshell answer: recent grad, looking to get into non-profit management. “really? we were thinking you were in the performing arts.”
“well, i was a dancer.”

was.

from age 5 until my freshman year of college, i was a dancer. i took ballet classes, i danced on a jazz competition team, i dallied in irish step dance, and i was on my university’s dance team for a year. two to three nights a week, i was at the studio. my parents and grandparents drove me to and from countless classes, sat through competitions and recitals, and bought me one pair of specialty shoes after another.

i sat on the floor in the lobby of the studio to do my homework, i went through the particular pains of dancing on pointe and kicking your own ankles with the hard heels of irish step shoes, and i watched far too many of my competitors dance to jennifer lopez’s “let’s get loud.” and i loved every second of it. it shaped the way i move, stand, and even sit in a way that lasts til today. then, in college, i quit. the dance team at my university did mostly hip-hop dance, which wasn’t my thing. (have you ever seen a ballerina try to move like janet jackson? it’s.... it’s certainly something.) dancing was no longer my “thing”, i had to grow up and focus on classes. it was time to pursue a career, and dancing wasn’t it.

i missed it, terribly, and last winter, i summoned all my courage and took a ballet class for the first time in 5 years. it took that long because i was terrified of being bad at something i was used to being good at. in my classes in southern new jersey in my teens, i had been among the best ballet dancers at the studio. i knew that among “real” dancers in new york city, even in a beginners’ class, i would be nowhere near the best. but once i was at that barre, that didn’t matter. i was shocked at how naturally everything came back to me. muscle memory is bonkers, you guys. i made plenty of mistakes (the teacher yelled repeatedly at me as i did a combination across the floor - “it’s a PLIE! not a LUNGE!”) but i was elated by how amazing it felt to be in class again. i called my mom afterward and gushed to her, and thanked her, sincerely and repeatedly, for giving me the amazing gift of awakening this passion for dance at such a young age. it’s something that i know i can always come back to.

that was january 2011. i wish i could say that since then, i’ve been taking classes regularly and am just so thrilled... but not so. i haven’t been back since. i’ve got a ton of excuses, some examples:
“classes are expensive!” about $15 a pop at most of the studios in the city, plus $4.50 for the subway rides there and back. which, for an unemployed lady like myself, is expensive. but i’ve also spent that much on two beers in a night, while unemployed.

“i should be spending my time applying for jobs! dance classes aren’t going to help me get a job.” riiiiight. like i don’t sit around refreshing tumblr half the day.

okay, i guess my main excuse is the money thing.

but enough of that. i am going to make dance a priority again. because it makes me feel amazing. because i crave movement. because my identity as a dancer is the one that makes me most proud, and i no longer want to say i WAS a dancer when someone asks. i AM a dancer.

so, here’s the deal. i’m currently in a spending freeze until i start getting unemployment checks in april. but, when that happens, instead of going out for the occasional beer, i will set aside $15 a week for a dance class. one class a week for the month of april. and i’m putting it on the internet, so it has to happen. hold me accountable, internet, did you hear that? i’m not looking to make it into the NYC ballet here, but i want to reclaim my favorite identity and be a dancer again. on that note, i’m going to go stretch. come april, i’ll be ready to be back at the barre.

in which i attempt a reverse-job-posting.

EDIT: you guys, i got a job!  and one of my interviewers had read this post, and liked it.  so, reverse-job-posting: recommended.  however, now that i am employed, i'm once again removing my last name and resume from this post, just to be safe.
---------------------------------------

dear non-profit leader/social entrepreneur who definitely wants to hire me even though you may not know it yet,

hi! i’m seeking an entry-level position in a new york city non-profit or b corporation, and for a while i tried to keep this blog from being connected with my full name, lest it be found by someone in human resources at the Non-Profit or B Corporation of my Dreams, Inc. and they find out that i sometimes blog unabashedly about my love for dark chocolate sorbet and the fact that i occasionally relate to amanda palmer and that while blogging about both of these things, i staunchly refuse to use capital letters. however, i’m over that. if you’ve googled me, that means you haven’t immediately discarded my resume and thus, i have a chance. this is my attempt to make the most of that chance.

my name is lindsay, and this is why you should hire me:

while i don’t have “3+ years of professional experience”, which your ad likely states as a desired qualification, what i have is better. since my teenage years, i have thrown myself tirelessly into causes that ignite my passion. i have dragged my friends in college to documentary screenings. i have been “that feminist” at the party who calls people out on using derogatory language. i have spent a week on a bus across the country telling people why they should care about child soldiers in eastern africa. i have served cocktails at fundraising galas. i have written thank you letters to donors. i have had my own caseloads of clients at two social work field placements, in which i traveled throughout brooklyn providing case management to children and individual therapy to survivors of interpersonal crime. i have planned a legislative advocacy day for legislation related to domestic violence and sexual assault, then traveled to albany with a team of survivors and advocates to discuss these issues with our elected officials. (i’ve also discussed conflict in eastern africa and access to birth control with my elected officials. i’m a big fan of democracy.) basically, i have worked my ass off, in a variety of ways, to make a difference where i see injustice, and i have not been paid for any of it. i will work even harder for your organization or company. (i’m ready to get paid, though. student loans are no joke. my desired salary is $30,000 per year, but i can be flexible. let’s talk.) as your program/operations/development assistant or [insert job title here], i will hobnob with donors and potential donors, slave over databases, plan logistics for events, brainstorm, manage relationships with clients, recruit and organize volunteers, run errands, respond to email and phone queries, manage social media outreach, or do whatever other little things come up along the way. i’m more than willing to contribute to many different parts of your team.

bonus reasons to hire me:
i love baking and i will periodically and without warning bring delicious shareable goodies to the office.
i have that young, idealistic, passion-driven energy that is hard to come by in seasoned professionals and can invigorate a team.
i’m a social worker. you know that person in the office who gets everybody to chill out and re-focus when everything seems a mess? hi.

if you’d like to get in touch, email me at lindsaysaysyes@gmail.com.

best,

lindsay

community.

i get daily emails from cafe gratitude with what they call "gratitude questions of the day". they describe them as follows:

Through reflection on these questions (which change daily), one is able to look directly at what is causing suffering in their lives (may it be background noise, or intensely distracting thoughts) and come to recenter one's attention on gratitude and abundance.

you can subscribe to gratitude questions of the day here.

i usually just reflect on the questions to myself, but i'm going to try blogging about the ones that seem particularly significant to me. one of today's questions is

what do you love about community?

when i think about the word "community", since my nbc comedy of choice is parks & recreation, i think of my immediate community, the one that occurs in my apartment. i live with three friends (and most of the time, one boyfriend) and a constant rotating cast of guests, including friends, friends-of-friends, bands on tour, invisible children roadies on tour, and complete strangers. we often host travelers who find me on couchsurfing.org. if you're not familiar with the site, it is a social networking platform that allows travelers to find people who are willing to host them on their couch, for free. i've been hosting since summer 2010, although i took a break during last school year. i've hosted folks from canada, germany, south korea, finland, and other parts of the US. i've also met up with travelers to show them my favorite parts of the city, though i wasn't hosting them. through hosting, the community within my own home is a global one, and i absolutely love it. last year, i hosted easter dinner for a few friends who'd never met each other and a team of roadies from invisible children that included a woman from uganda. i was able to hear all about easter traditions in eastern africa while cooking dinner in my own kitchen. i know, right?! i love that my community is ever-growing, global, and loves gathering for meals together.

well. it's been a while. over the past few weeks, i've considered doing a "2011 in review" type post, or a post about my intentions for 2012, but i couldn't get my thoughts in order enough and decided i just, well, didn't want to. but there have been things that i want to get down, even more for myself than anyone else. so, here's a collection of what's been going on for me lately.

amanda palmer wrote a long, but so very worth reading, blog post about her relationship with and wedding to neil gaiman. i, unlike most of my friends, am not really a fan of the works of either half of this couple, but this post resonated with me to the point that i had tears in my eyes while reading it. one of the reasons i've not written much lately is the fact that the most significant part of my life through the past six months has been my relationship, and i don't want to ramble on about love and make everyone nauseous. however, some of amanda's words that most resonated with me:

shortly before meeting neil, i’d gone through a heavy soul-searching period where i came to a place in which i could feel powerfully, certainly, guiltlessly single. i hadn’t been able to get there before, it took a lot of thought, and a lot of work. i examined culture and standards and wondered why it was that everyone was INSISTING on this coupling thing.

what the fuck?

i looked hard at the constant (and often media-driven) prescription that happiness is coupling-dependent, marriage-dependent, and child-bearing-dependent. some of the happiest people i’ve met are old and single. and i know they’re not shitting me.

....

as in business, so in relationships: i despise being told what to do. i just hate it. i like making things up as i go along, i like kissing who i want to when i want to, and i have no desire to be possessed, owned, kept or put in my place as a girlfriend or a wife.

....

it was a constant cause of marvel to me that neil looked at these determined and fiercely independent qualities and he not only withstood them, he not only tolerated them, he actually encouraged them. i’d fantasized for years that i’d someday find this person, who would hold me but let me go flying into the void, and simultaneously let me go flying but hold me, keep me tethered to the earth. and when i found him, true to my long-held assumption about what would come to pass should i find a human this miraculous, i actually clung.

...

but honestly, and i mean honestly: the selling point was that he actually understood me, deeply, and that he loved me as i was and had no desire to harness me. and he wanted to come on the adventure with me, not pin me down to his own plan, and not simply stand by the sidelines and cheer. i’d found an actual partner.

for the first time maybe ever, amanda fucking palmer: i get you!

around this time last year, i wrote a sort of authenticity manifesto that summarized my main intention for 2011: to be as unapologetically, authentically myself as possible. i reflected on this a lot as the year came to a close, and i think i've stayed pretty true to it. i've led from my heart, making decisions that make me happy, because in the end, i can really only control my own happiness. i am done being the people-pleaser who lives up to the perception that others have of me. i feel happier and more free than i ever have, and i am proud of myself.

my life has been very simple lately. i work evenings and weekends, i spend my mondays off having mondates with my boyfriend, i sleep in, i apply for grownup jobs, i drink my coffee slowly and eat a lot of breakfast food, i wait less-than-patiently for new episodes of parks & recreation, i spend more time in my neighborhood than ever because it's really more wonderful than i realized before my two month stint of living in manhattan, i spend a lot of time looking at pictures of cute puppies, i occasionally treat myself to cheap trader joe's wine or beers at a favorite dive bar, and i snuggle a lot. that's pretty much it. i feel like i'm on vacation all the time, and it's fantastic. i haven't really set an intention for 2012, but it may just be to continue living as if i'm on vacation; living in the moment, appreciating my simple life.

cheers to 2012.

on the night of my graduation from social work school and my 24th birthday, i cried like a baby. i laid on my bed next to my confused sister and sobbed. not because i was so happy, not because i would miss school - because i was completely overwhelmed and terrified by people’s expectations of me. i grew up with my family fawning over how “smart” i was. i have always been told to keep working hard in school, to get as much of the best education i could, and i would go far, so i did. i graduated from high school in the top 10 of my class. i went to a good college on full scholarship. i went straight to graduate school, worked hard for two years, and graduated with a good gpa. on the day of my graduation, my loved ones told me how proud they were of me, how i was going to do so much good in the world. while i was grateful for the congratulations and encouragement, i was also petrified. i was graduating into a nearly nonexistent job market. i wasn’t clear on what kind of job i wanted. i took those couple of months off to take care of my mom, then i started applying like mad for any non-profit job i was vaguely qualified for. since july, i’ve been applying, interviewing, reworking my resume, writing cover letter after cover letter... and getting rejected. it’s been discouraging, of course. i’ve cried, i’ve been angry, i’ve snapped at family members who ask for constant updates on my job situation when there are no updates to give. and then i reframed. maybe the full-time do-gooder non-profit job isn’t going to happen for me, at least not right now. so, decided to rewrite my goals. i got a job as a hostess at a restaurant, at which i can oogle celebrities and joke around with my coworkers and have a pretty good time. i moved out of the manhattan neighborhood i never felt quite “me” in anyway, and back to my brooklyn apartment, which i can actually afford! i’m volunteering for some non-profits, i’m enjoying having days off during the week instead of the weekend, i’m spending quality time with my roommates, friends, and boyfriend. and honestly - i’m happy. today i called good old sallie mae to ask about loan deferment. when i explained to the surprisingly helpful and friendly customer service rep that i hadn’t yet found a full time position in my field, and was instead working part-time at a restaurant, his response was “i’m sorry to hear that.” to which i replied, “oh, it’s okay. that’s the way it is right now.” don’t worry about me, sallie mae man. i’m doing alright. i don’t have that dream job - but who does? i’m 24 years old, i’m living in the greatest city in the world, i’m in love, i’m surrounded by amazing friends, i can see the skyline from my rooftop and i’m reading for pleasure again and i am so very happy.
so, to my dad, grandma, the sallie mae man, the alumni associations at my alma maters, and anyone else who may be concerned about my not having achieved that all-important full-time position in my field of choice: don't worry about me. yes, i’m an underemployed and overeducated member of the generation new york magazine described as “coming of age in post-hope america”, but i still feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

not what i had planned.

in the months leading up to graduation, i had the same conversation with countless people. it starts with the question, "so, what are your plans after graduation?" and ends with me rambling and sputtering and trying to put together a cohesive answer and typically, failing. i planned to get a job right away, then i planned to apply to be an invisible children roadie. i submitted the application, had one phone interview, and decided i didn't want to do that any more. i planned to volunteer while i looked for a job. then i won tickets to bonnaroo from lelia broussard the day before the festival opened. i planned a ride there with my kate. an hour away, the car broke down and we ended up riding to the festival with an angel of a tow truck driver, JB. the next four days refreshed me, amazed me, and reconnected me to what makes my life so incredible. i could write a whole post about bonnaroo itself but it would include way more feelings and eminem references than anyone would want to read. suffice to say it was just what i needed. we planned to rent a car on the way home. that didn't work. we planned to ride to the beach in north carolina, then we planned to stop in raleigh. we eventually got home, and the night i arrived in brooklyn, my mom fell down her steps and broke her leg in three places. i'd planned on hitting the job hunt hard in new york upon my arrival back, but that plan changed as i left again, this time to my mom's house to take care of her while she recuperates. i've been here for two weeks now, and will be heading home on thursday, if everything goes according to plan. i'll be moving in with a friend in manhattan on august 15, i'll be applying for more jobs and getting hired as soon as i can... if all goes according to plan. but one thing i've learned over the past month is that sometimes absolutely nothing goes according to the plan. more importantly, i've learned that when those plans change, something even better can happen. you can find yourself unexpectedly headed to tennessee to have the time of your life. you can meet an aspiring singer-songwriter at a hotel bar in raleigh, north carolina. you can be amazed by the generosity of strangers-turned-friends. you can make memories to last a lifetime with your best friend. you can be there for your mom when she needs you, and make her laugh when she's hurting. plans change for a reason. so, i'm staying open to the next change in plans, because it's coming whether i want it to or not. i'm even looking forward to it. it's kind of exciting... how's this plan going to change so something better can come through?

thank you.

i am writing out thank you notes to friends and family for gradubirthday gifts, and just feeling so absolutely full of gratitude for the support and love i have in my life that i want to write a thank you note to everyone i know. i graduated with my master's degree in social work on my birthday last week and honestly, whether i've properly expressed it or not, if you have been in any way a part of my life, i have you to thank. so here goes...
thank you for the hugs. thank you to anyone who's made me laugh. thank you for playing music that sustains me and inspires me. thank you to my invisible children family, including my rescue family, the roadies i've had the pleasure of hosting at my apartment and those who initially invited me into this story via screenings - you have changed my life forever. thank you to my classmates and faculty at NYU and SHU for inspiring me and supporting me and challenging me. thank you to everyone who's touched my life through my internships - supervisors, colleagues and most importantly, clients. i will never forget you.
thank you to anyone who's sat with me while i ugly cried - it's a short list and i love you. thank you to all of you who've shared the nights out around new york city or on my balcony - we have fun and it's so necessary. thank you for comfort food sundays (we'll have another one soon!). thank you for dealing with me when i had hard days and being patient with me and loving me through them. thank you for believing in me. thank you to anyone who's challenged me and made me grow. thank you for letting me share my passions with you - i know sometimes it's not what you expected when we're at out a bar and you ask what the whistle's about and i go on about war in the congo.
thank you, all of you, for being in my life in any way at all. and thank you for reading this attempt at articulating gratitude for this immense amount of love i feel.

"it's only the ocean and you."

by the end of last week, the combination of hearing about the devastation on japan and some personal junk i was going through had me wiped out. i felt overwhelmed and confused, just in some kind of funk. i knew what i needed - the ocean. throughout my adolescence, i spent every summer living at the beach. my summer job was at a shop three blocks from the ocean with a super chill boss who was fine with me hitting the beach in the morning, brushing the sand off my feet and rolling straight into work. early mornings on the beach are the best, not many people are out yet, mostly people walking their dogs. i'd grab a coffee and walk along the waves, or have a seat and read for a while, and it was so incredibly peaceful. beach days with my brother and sister and cousins always included hours spent out in the waves. i love the rhythm of the ocean, and how i can lean back into the waves and just ride up and over them.
until sunday, i hadn't checked out any of the nyc beaches since moving here. so i took my emotionally-funked self and a book, bundled up, rode the a train out to rockaway beach and instantly fell in love. the only people on the beach in winter are surfers and a handful of people walking. the quiet, in contrast with the city so closeby, is beautiful. i walked for a bit, then just sat right in the sand, shoes off, and felt instantly calmer. i watched the waves, and thought about how the ocean, capable of that terrible damage on the other side of the world, here was providing me with the serenity i craved.
i don't know what it is, really, about the ocean, but it's one of the things i can rely on as a reset button for me, emotionally. it can calm me down and remind me who i am, and assure me that everything is going to be alright. just as the tide will keep rising and falling, so will life. the same waves that can be turbulent and destructive one moment are followed by those that are beautiful, rhythmic, and steady.

she-woman-lady-power day!

it's international women's day! also called feminist coming out day! newsflash: i'm a feminist. also, my name is lindsay. i think i'm pretty "out" as a feminist, so here is a list of ways i've come up with to celebrate international women's day.

- contact your senators and ask them to vote no on legislation that would cut funding to planned parenthood, which provides millions of women with necessary and life-saving reproductive health.

- call out sexism. look for it, listen for it. it's pervasive and it continues if we all keep quiet about it. it wears a lot of different costumes, sometimes known as victim blaming, catcalling, or "just joking."

- listen to some of your favorite she-woman-lady-power anthems. maybe a little missy higgins' "steer", sara bareilles' "fairytale", or if you feel like shaking your ass (um, always?) of course, christina aguilera's "can't hold us down". or there's always any ani difranco song, ever. (feminist confession: i don't listen to ani difranco. i know, i know.)

- unapologetically rock a short skirt.

- unapologetically rock an androgynous suit.

- tell your favorite women how awesome they are.

- buy or borrow a feminist book. "yes means yes: visions of female sexual empowerment and a world without rape", essays compiled by jaclyn friedman and jessica valenti, changed my life for real. you can totally borrow it.

- stop making charlie sheen jokes. stop talking about charlie sheen. stop listening to, watching, reading coverage of charlie sheen. don't even say his name unless you're pointing out his horrendous history of perpetrating violence against women. and for the love of all things good, don't watch 2 and a half men, ever.

- read feministing. just do it.

- join women for women international at one of their "meet me on the bridge" events.

happy she-woman-lady-power day! how are you celebrating?

you and me and james franco.

i’ve said to several friends over the course of my being in graduate school - “if there’s one thing i’ve learned from social work school, it’s that everyone is fucked up.” it’s true! we learned to categorize people’s fuckedupedness and we call these categories diagnoses because they make us feel like we understand them and make them somehow separate from us, but really? we’re all damaged, crazy, messy, and none of us make sense.
some people i love are going through some shitty times right now. i’m going through some shitty times right now. it’s tempting, when a loved one tells me that they’re feeling fucked up or when i’m feeling it, to be all “no! don’t feel that way! let’s cheer up!” but i’m not gonna do that. hey, people out there, that i love dearly and think the absolute world of - you are totally fucked up. we all are! isn’t that wild? telling you “oh no, you’re not fucked up!” will only make you feel more so because now you feel like something i’m telling you you’re not. i totally validate your feelings of fuckedupedness. there’s comfort possible in knowing we all feel that way, though, right? this is being human. i think a lot about what it means to be human and i think feeling completely fucked up is a big part of it.
another big thing i’ve learned over the last couple of years, through a combination of social work school and my addiction to self-improvement books and blogs, it’s the importance of being whatever you are whenever you are it. if you’re sad? be sad. feel it out. see what it feels like to be sad. listen to damien rice and cry like a baby. angry? be angry! stomp around or yell or do whatever angry makes you feel like doing. i’m not very good at letting myself be angry, but listening to a lot of eminem is helping me get better at it. if you’re happy, hell yeah! shake your ass and WORK that happy. whatever it is that you are, right in the moment wherever you are - be it, honor it, and know that it is temporary.
so, right now you feel messy, complicated, out of sorts, disorganized, fucked up. (am i saying fuck too much? is my blog gonna get an “adult content” warning? that’d be kinda legit. i’m learning a lot from eminem.) you are feeling that way because you are. so am i. so is that person you think has got it all together. even james franco. he’s got like a dozen master’s degrees and oscar nominations and is attending 5 schools at once or something but come on, you saw the oscars - totally fucked up! like you and me and everyone. so to you, to me, and to james franco - i acknowledge your fuckedupedness and i love you anyway. i’ll love you until you’re feeling alright again, because you will feel alright again. you’ll even feel happy again! and then we will work that happy like a tyra banks smize, girlfriend.

on unapologetic authenticity and why i give a damn.

"Life will devastate you if you get close enough to it. Get closer. In the cosmic fabric, your pain is mine is yours is mine... When we can share this unified space we know how to be of better service to one another - because we can better empathize.” - Danielle LaPorte

since september, i've been interning at an incredible organization that offers trauma-focused therapy to survivors of violent crime. the fiercely amazing superwomen i work alongside told me when i started that eventually this work would affect me via vicarious trauma. people who are exposed to others' traumatic experiences often begin experiencing post-traumatic symptoms of their own. i'm not doing a lot of work directly with clients, so i thought i'd be fine. during the past week or so, i was proven wrong. i've had trouble sleeping, i've felt like nothing in the world is okay and there's nothing i or anyone can do about it. there have been days when i've had zero motivation for doing anything at all. if you're one of the friends who caught me at a particularly bad time during which i basically told you "i'm in a pissy mood and don't wanna talk about it, and don't try to cheer me up, either"... thank you for loving me anyway. but - i won't say i'm sorry. because something that has been proven to me more and more in recent weeks is the value of authenticity. we are, as a society, i think, afraid of being unapologetically authentic. we are afraid of living with intention and truth. we try to be impenetrable. it makes sense - who wants to get up close and personal with how we, and others, really feel and want? human emotion and desire, left unchecked, are unwieldy and intense and just kind of scary. keeping your guard up is safer. in this effort to stay safe and walled up, it's become uncool to give a damn. the admission that you care about something - or someone - is an admission of weakness. it's an admission that your wall has been penetrated and, sound the alarm, you give a damn! letting things matter is dangerous. why would we do it?

now, stay with me, and trust that i'm being a little scattered with my pronouns here but when i'm saying "you" or "we" or "people" or "society" i absolutely include "i". i have walls up. i don't go around scattering my emotions all willy-nilly. expressing my authentic feelings makes me feel vulnerable and, quite frankly, scared shitless. but, as i'm learning, it is worth it. we have this incredible, divine, precious opportunity as human beings to embrace the full spectrum of our lived experience and this includes those uncomfortable feelings like fear and outrage and anxiety and those indescribable feelings that happen when you want something but you can't name it. the human experience can be pretty ugly. however, it also includes that feeling when you hear a song that makes your heart stop. it includes the feeling of first kisses, the feeling of dancing until you can't feel your legs, the feeling of hugs from your grandma and scoring a goal and getting a standing ovation and that day when the winter weather finally breaks and you swear life has never felt this good.

if we just keep on denying that we give a damn, this spectrum is no longer available to us. we have the ability to care, to let people in, to let things get us riled up, to feel things we can't name, and it would be an injustice not to embrace that opportunity. so, yeah, sometimes you'll express your authentic truth and people won't be able to take it. but is that reason to apologize, to recant, to build the walls back up? i don't think so. respecting someone enough to trust them with your most whole, authentic self is an honor. think about those timeless songs, movies, stories - are they about being all "hey i think you're kind of okay or whatever but i'm not into taking risks", "i dig the idea of social change but don't really want to cause a ruckus", "we can win this game if ya'll want to but, eh, whatever." hell no. that's not life. good songs, movies, stories, and lives are steeped in unapologetic intensity. "i fell into the burning ring of fire", "i have a dream", "i'm a winner, i'm going to win."

so, i'm doing my best to live with intention and authenticity. and don't expect me to apologize, because i think you deserve better.

adventurous thursday.

last thursday, i had a little adventure. i had the day off because classes haven't started yet, so i decided to give blood. i love giving blood for the kind of selfish reason that i just get a kick out of the idea that there are other people out there in the world with my blood coursing through their veins. it kind of blows my mind. so, i went to new york blood center, and while i was waiting, a nurse asked if i'd like to give platelets instead of whole blood. the procedure is longer, and i had time, so i said yes. everything went fine, two hours later i left the donation center after eating shortbread cookies and drinking an apple juice (like snacktime in kindergarten!), feeling great. i was waiting for a train when i started to feel faint. i went upstairs, knowing that there was a police precinct in the station, and almost made it there when i passed out. i woke up when i hit the floor, to see a bunch of teenage kids running toward me asking if i was okay. i got up and walked into the precinct, tried to explain to the cops what was wrong, but passed out again. this time i woke up when a cop lifted me up and sat me next to him on a bench. another cop bought me a gatorade and they called EMS. in the ambulance, the EMTs and i talked about jersey shore and graduate school while they ran an IV. i spent about four hours in the emergency room getting more fluid through IV, having a bunch of tests run, and laughing with the staff. oh, and of course tweeting the funny moments (you'd be surprised how hilarious an ER can be!) so my friends knew i was alright. i'm fine now, aside from a skinned knee and some marks from the EKG that just will not go away. so here's a gratitude list of everyone i'm thankful to for making my adventurous thursday go as well as it could have:
-to the NYPD precinct at hoyt-schermerhorn station: thank you for taking care of me, for following me all the way out to the ambulance, for giving me gatorade, for your genuine concern and just for being so nice to me.
-to the EMTs who took me to the ER: thank you for being gentle when you carried me up the stairs, for laughing at my silly jokes, for joking back, and for being just plain awesome.
-to the staff at long island college hospital's emergency room: from the man who took all my insurance information and told me about his math degree from yale, to the physician's assistant who laughed at my answer to your boring questions ("how old are you?" "23." "do you smoke?" "no." "do you drink?" "...i'm 23."), to the nurse who greeted me with "so i hear you were trying to be a good person, and this happened?" honestly, everyone i interacted with during my stay was so nice and sympathetic and helpful. you guys do such hard work, and you do it well. bravo.
-to the staff at new york blood center: thank you for being awesome during my donation, for offering to pay my medical expenses when i followed up with you, for calling me yesterday to see how i was feeling... despite how this donation went awry, i will be back! i'll drink more water beforehand next time, promise.
-to all of my friends and family who've expressed concern, asked if i needed anything, or listened to me tell this story, thank you for being amazing as always.

2010: i loved you madly.

new year's eve is one of my absolute favorite holidays. it is a free pass to wear as much glitter as you want, celebrate as decadently as possible, and dance as much as you can. last year's celebration found me toasting new and old friends on my rooftop and dancing and singing along to the entirety of girl talk's "feed the animals" how, exactly, does one sing along to an album of remixed mashups? i don't remember, but my friends tell me it was pretty impressive.
new year's eve, as i see it, is a celebration of life for no other reason than this: it exists. we got to live an amazing year, and here comes another! pass the champagne, i'll toast to that.

2010 was something else. this is my version of an end-of-the-year recap, a top-whatever list, etc. because i can't be bothered with ranking things and i don't like numbers, i present to you a non-predetermined number of things in no particular order that i found rad, interesting, exciting in 2010.

- the LRA disarmament and northern uganda recovery act: after lots of meetings with congresspeople and their staff, and a little thing we like to call sleeping-on-congressman's-front-lawns-until-they-get-a-clue, my friends and i got a bill passed to get the US government to take the lead in getting rid of joseph kony and rehabilitating northern uganda. on november 24 the obama administration released their plan. big deal.

- trader joe's: um, HOW did i go 22 years of my life without shopping here??? cheap healthy food and super friendly employees. seriously, how are they so good at conversation? i have discussed everything from TED talks to couchsurfing to RL stine with trader joe's employees. all while they're bagging my goat cheese and avocados.

- ray lamontagne and the pariah dogs' "god willin' and the creek don't rise": this album breaks my heart and makes me feel warm and cozy all at the same time. so beautiful.

- GOOD magazine: a beautifully designed magazine highlighting people doing innovative, positive, amazing, GOOD things. the only magazine i buy every single issue of a read cover to cover. have you seen their infographics? genius. they gave me my favorite fact of the year: if everyone in the usa lived as densely as we do in brooklyn, we'd all fit into new hampshire. i know right?! your mind is so blown right now.

- REVEAL conference: i volunteered at their inaugural conference on feminine spirituality in may, and it was brilliant. a gathering of passionate, genuine, incredible women to talk about how we experience the divine. i was able to meet one of my favorite authors and spiritual teachers, sera beak, and she was just as wonderful as i'd hoped. i can't wait for next year's event.

-nicki minaj: she-woman-lady-power i can dance to? i am so about that. also her pink wigs. also the way she doesn't give a f-u-c-k. also her butt injections? i don't know but it took me one listen of her section on kanye's "monster" to be all "oh my god nicki, i love you." then i heard "i'm the best" and was basically ready to propose.

speaking of mr. west...

-my beautiful dark twisted fantasy: please see what everybody else is saying about this album because i think there's a general consensus that the whole world (sans diehard t-sweezy fans and george bush) digs it hard.

-the kids are all right: one of the best movies i saw this year. endearing and human and just plain good. also: mark ruffalo.

-youtube: is it just me or was it a really good year for youtube? maybe it's mostly the fact that i spent a lot of time writing papers this year and thus, a lot of time watching youtube videos while i procrastinated. i've adopted the self-affirming spiritual practices of jessica and my roommates were a little alarmed to hear just how well i know the bed intruder song.

-black swan: BLEW MY MIND. i can't even tell you. go see it.

-janelle monae's "tightrope": i challenge you to hear this song and not dance. YOU CAN'T.

-john mayer at madison square garden, two nights in a row, from the 4th and 5th rows. during a blizzard. i know.

-that time i made chowder and invited a bunch of people over and my friends played music in my living room. that time was seriously awesome, and comfort food sundays with music will totally be happening on the regular (ish) in 2011.

-pantoja, republica dominicana. i love that place, and those people. nunca te olvidaré, mis amores.

to everyone who made 2010 kick ass: thank you, and i love you. i am truly overwhelmed with gratitude for the amazing people in my life. big big hugs, and here's to 2011...

xo, linds

love list

what i'm loving right now:

1. danielle leporte's blog white hot truth. i used to subscribe to it on google reader, but i found myself getting angry at danielle, so i took it off. why? i just can't handle that much truth sometimes, especially when it's so white hot. it's that intense. i find myself reading once or twice a week though, whenever i am ready to be inspired and have a bit of a kick in the butt. she's fiercely motivating, and writes awesomely inspiring stuff.

2. trader joe's. i don't know why i resisted TJ's for so long, but for the past few months i've been falling more and more in love. cheap veggies and wine, delicious frozen meals, pumpkin pancake mix, adorable and chatty employees... what more could a girl want?

3. dressing like ke$ha for halloween. i take halloween very seriously, so i shopped carefully for things that ke$ha would wear, but that i would also wear. i ended up learning how to push my self-imposed wardrobe boundaries. who says i can't wear motorcycle boots? a faux-leather jacket with green leopard print lining? sequin hotpants? i can! i can and i will, and i'll look good doing it. thanks, ke$ha, for the crash course in confidence.

4. soup. yesterday i got this amazing vegetable lentil soup on my way home from work. tonight my roommate lisha and i made three sisters soup (three sisters = butternut squash, green beans, and corn) including potatoes that we were surprised to find were blue on the inside! they were gorgeous! (again, trader joe's!!!) it's such soup weather. i think next up is a batch of my mom's chicken corn chowder, made famous when she made it for a cast party during a high school production and all of my dramatic theatre friends freaked out about how good it was. it is seriously so good and completely warrants dramatic glee-style freaking out.

5. lelia broussard's album masquerade. it only came out today but i am already gonna say it's fantastic! i've been following lelia's career since around 2004, and watching her grow as an artist has been amazing to see. this album is far and away her best work yet and a pure joy to listen to. itunes it!

i can remember when the earth moved slowly.

near the end of summer 2008, i was sitting on the beach in cape may, nj with my mother, listening to music. jack's mannequin's "spinning" came on:

i can't remember when the earth turned slowly
so i just wait here with the lights turned out again
i've lost my place but i can't stop this story
i'll find my way but until then i'm only spinning

i was about to start my senior year of college, and i knew that i would be "spinning". i looked around the beach and thought "this is when the earth turns slowly." we were on a pretty quiet section of the beach with the waves crashing, i had no plans for the rest of the day, i was absolutely content right there in that moment. i made a mental note to remember everything about that moment so that later on, when life was moving quickly and i felt like i couldn't keep up, i could conjure up that memory, and i could remember when the earth turned slowly.
i still use that memory. right now, in the midst of midterms, an internship that is amazing as it is draining, and a social life on top of everything - i'm spinning. but i can remember when the earth turned slowly, and i know it will eventually slow down again. until then i'm rolling with the punches and enjoying the ride.

"overjoyed... over-loved... feeling lucky"

in the past two days i've had two different friends tell me i'm the happiest person they know. what a compliment! i don't think there is anything i'd rather be known for, to be honest. people ask why i'm always so happy, or how i stay so optimistic, every so often, so here it is. lindsay's secret to being happy... no gimmick, no infomercial 2-for-1 deal, no saving your soul, no books to buy or chants to chant...
gratitude is my secret to being happy. honest! (notice i say "my" secret, not "the" secret. this may not be a one-size-fits-all straight route to happiness.) i had never heard of practicing gratitude until a few years ago, when jason mraz started talking and blogging about it and i was all "well DUH, i gotta try me some gratitude!" this is not to say that i wasn't happy before then, but the happiness i've experienced since starting to be conscious of and grateful for my blessings every day is a bigger, fuller, deeper happiness than ever before. disclaimer: i am not happy all the time! but i am grateful for the sad times, the angry times, the emotionally "off" times. the human experience would be pretty boring if i, or anyone, was happy all the time.
the practice of gratitude can look different for everyone. it doesn't have to be opening your window every morning and yelling "I AM GRATEFUL FOR THIS DAY!" but it can be (remember to be grateful for your neighbors, though.) i don't have a set routine for my gratitude. sometimes i write things i am grateful for in a list. sometimes i think of as many things i was grateful for in a given day before i fall asleep. sometimes something happens and i just take a minute to consciously feel gratitude. i say "thank you" as often as i can. (it's especially enjoyable to say it in spanish. grrrrrracias! rolled "r"s are a thrill.) it's the recognition of whatever you are grateful for that counts, anything else is just a tangible, visible, audible expression of your gratitude.
right now, on a bolt bus somewhere between new york city and boston, at 3:30pm on friday september 10th, i am grateful for:
- my apartment and roommates. i am able to live in an incredible city that makes me feel exuberantly alive, in a completely adorable apartment with the best roommates a girl could dream up.
- the mild weather. it's that temperature where you could wear just about anything and be comfortable. lovely.
- my invisible children family. i was able to see my friend koji play music a couple of nights ago, and to spend time with two more members of the fam. i am spending this weekend with yet another. i met them all because they had the passion for a cause to jump on a bus with a bunch of strangers in april 2009, and they completely amaze me.
- bolt bus! this blog post is brought to you by the good people at bolt bus, who kindly provide free wi-fi. my bus driver's name is flash, and he introduced himself as a "people relocation specialist". you're a good man, flash, thanks for driving me.
- school. really! i started my last year of being a full time student yesterday, and i am so grateful for the opportunity to learn and to earn this degree that is going to help me to help other people reach their own happiness. i am going to be (i already am!) a joyologist-social worker. i am grateful for tricia huffman's inspiration!
- dried mango. i picked some up at duane reade before getting on the bus and they're delicious! way more sugar than i expected, but it's like eating candy!
- this weekend. i am going to the life is good festival to hear good music with happy people (jason mraz! brett dennen! guster! color me stoked.) it's my last hurrah of the summer and it's going to be great. LIFE IS GOOD!

what are you grateful for?

yesterday was my one year anniversary of living in new york, or as i referred to it, "mine and new york's one year anniversary." yeah, i'm one of those new yorkers. (it's been a year, i'm an official resident, can i call myself a new yorker now? should i write to the new yorker to ask? should i put my question in cartoon form??) i love this damn city so much i could kiss it. i can't for the life of me figure out how to be in love with a person, but give me a smelly loud city full of people who think (know) that they are superior to every other life form: TRUE LOVE. it's appropriate that our anniversary came immediately after i spent a whole five days away from the love of my life, hanging out with family in pennsylvania, of all places. i went to the MOUNTAINS. after one day of hiking through woods and rivers, i'd had enough nature and was ready to come back to new york where "i love nature" means "i buy organic produce from the greenmarket and sometimes go to the park to check out joggers!" new york, i love you.

things i love friday.

one of my favorite bloggers, gala darling, writes weekly "things i love thursday" posts, and "carousel" posts on fridays, which are round-ups of her favorite tidbits around the web. this will be a combination of the two... things i'm loving in real life and across the internet.

-"yes means yes: visions of female sexual power & a world without rape" essays compiled by jaclyn friedman and jessica valenti: this book is rocking my world. the way i think about sex and relationships and everything thereof is being shifted in the best way.

-this post on the invisible children blog discussing an article from the guardian about what's wrong with NGOs and well-intentioned westerners, and what we can do better.

The article highlights a troubling myth that do-gooders too often take for truth: Being a foreigner motivated by good intentions equates to being qualified. Shockingly, foreigners with no development experience—none—come to places like Gulu year after year and attempt to work with vulnerable communities in need, doing anything from offering up counseling, to helping trauma victims make products, to handing out shoes and other items. With no development philosophy guiding these behaviors, money gets wasted, the wheel gets reinvented, stereotypes get fueled, and little real change sticks.

i struggled a lot with my decision to go to the dominican republic this year and the struggle was in part because i so completely agree with the points made this post this could turn into a lengthy ramble, so suffice to say i had a good experience this year but will not be doing a trip like that again.

-ray lamontagne & the pariah dogs' new album "god willin' and the creek don't rise": so. so. good. ray was one of those artists who took a while to grow on me, but now i'm completely obsessed and this album is just gorgeous. the title track is my immediate favorite, but the entire thing is just beautiful.



-camping! i'm going to a cabin in the mountains in pennsylvania with my family next week and i can't wait for swimming in a river, exploring caves, picking blueberries, roasting marshmallows... ahh, everything. as much as i love the city, i occasionally enjoy its antithesis as well.

-homemaking. i mean literally making a home. our friend lisha moved into the apartment a week ago, and since she, tj and i were originally planning on living together a year ago, it's finally like it should be! we are planning a chalkboard wall, choosing more wall art, and generally fixing our home to be just as we like it.

i wasn't at this show, but i heard about this talk and looked it up earlier today. it hit me at the right time.

"you’re going to freak out. you’re going to have at least one moment per week where you don’t feel right. maybe it doesn’t feel so wrong if you know that it’s kind of supposed to happen to you. it is the other side of being conscious and loving, that there are going to be times you’re going to have to hit control-alt-delete. you’re just going to have to take a moment. you might be walking through the airport, you might be having the time of your life. in fact, it’s more likely to happen during the time of your life." - john mayer

i'm freaking out a little lately. i'm taking lots of these moments. bear with me, i'm trying to keep saying yes.